Crushes (Dude, He's so Attractive!)

Song of the Day: The Little Things by, Colbie Caillat

P.S. This isn't your typical journal entry of a crush (aka So I met this boy today. His name is bla bla bla and today he did this! Does he like me? Oh I wish I knew!) NO. This is what I've learned with all the boys I've had crushes on, and about this awkward phase of limbo between platonic and romantic relationships. I will warn that this is one of the more angsty posts though....

So... this is probably one of the most confusing aspects about life for me.
I mean, don't get me wrong, having a crush isn't that abnormal. In fact, television shows always portray these kinds of things for their characters. They always start off like this:

1. Boy meets Girl (or vice versa).
2. You start spending time together 
3. One of you starts feeling something more than just platonic sentiments for the other. Most of the time, this is without the other one realizing it.
4. Pretty soon, everything about the other person (flaws and all) attracts you. You start to analyze (and, in some cases, overanalyze) all the "little things" they do for/to you. You go crazy because you can't really tell if they sincerely like you "in that way" or not.
5. People start seeing on the surface the attraction. Pretty soon, they'll egg you on to confess your feelings

Now of course, at this point, the media will romanticize what happens next. Usually the person of interest starts spending more time with another person, and the person with the crush comes to a fork in the road where they either confess their feelings and risk losing their friendship or never say anything and either wonder if they should have said anything or just move on to another person. The character in the tv show usually takes the former choice and it is revealed that their crush was also attracted to them, and they become a couple! Woo!

I want to say that that happens to me, but as cliche as it sounds, the media is an idealistic version of the real thing. Most of my experiences involving my crushes have been....overall negative.

This usually what happens to me.

• After step 5 above, I come at that fork in the road (or in my mind it perceives that way) that I must confess now or forever stay silent. 
• If I do confess (which has been...I wanna say 4 out of the 6 crushes) the boy either rejects me and we lose that great friendship we developed or.....
• He takes advantage of my feelings and does something to me that I cannot fully describe. (don't worry, I haven't lost my virginity.... but in one particular case- had I let it happen- it would have ended up in me losing my virginity)
•  But with the last few crushes, I chose to not confess my feelings. It resulted in better outcomes than with the previous choice, however people would remind that had I said anything, they might have had feelings for me. 

For me, relationships and attraction and romantic love have been the hardest. This isn't some math problem where if you do all the work, you can get it right the first time.  These things usually involve the feelings of another person. So even if I put in the effort, if they don't put in the effort, nothing comes to fruition. And, more often than not, they are just as confused as me. And, as much as I hate to admit this, most of those negative experiences have hardened my heart and have my changed my perspective of dating and relationships as this "burden"...

Well my dear journal, I'm again at that fork in the road. I won't say his full name, but his name is Justin, and it's because I really don't care if he sees this because, chances are, he won't.

I've been debating for the past couple of days whether I should tell him my feelings but the problem is he's leaving for a mission. What's the point in telling my feelings if- should he reciprocate them- he's leaving for two years? A relationship would be pointless. And, I'm more afraid that this might ruin our really close friendship that developed throughout freshman year.

I know that crushes and relationships and dating is a good thing but I've been through so much that I can't see it. Everytime I develop an attraction towards someone I want to believe that he's different that maybe he's the one.....

The thought of dating someone scares me now. Because of the potential heartbreak, confusion, tears that go in vain for someone you thought would be worth it.....

But you know what, the way I see it, I only can see what's in hindsight, not really seeing the bigger picture of my life both here on Earth and in the eternal life. I'm going to come back here and laugh at the angsty things I said because I'll say this little phase I'm going through will be all worth it in the end.

So on Sunday, I told him. I told him that I've been liking him but I'm not looking for a relationship because I believe relationships during the mission aren't worth it. And you know what? He took it well.
I can't believe it.....there was no negative consequences! We kept our friendship!!! :D 

And thus, to my future self, and maybe my future children:

That rant above is not supposed to dissuade you from liking someone or from retaining your feelings. Life is all about taking risks like that. Even if they don't always end in your favor, you grow more as a person. I can say that I've become a stronger person because of these negative experiences. And I'm trying to tell myself that things will get better! Because it will! 

And there will be those experiences where if you do take that risk, it can work to your benefit. Even if Justin and I aren't together after my confession, we still maintained our close friendship. Heck, you can even say our friendship grew stronger because of that! :)
So, who knows, he might be the one, but if he's not then I'm really happy to have a friend as great as him. It's also important to realize that friendships matter a lot as well. Just because they're not together with you doesn't mean that they don't love you.

But I still have hope that I will find the right guy, that he will show me that all my worries will be worth it, and he will give me the positive relationship experience I need. He will reciprocate my feelings and become my best friend, my huband, my better half. 

All I need to do now is to continue to be positive, continue to have hope, continue to be myself, continue to grow as a person, and continue to be happy, because I have a testimony that being imminently happy with the Holy Spirit will attract all good things to you, including your potential eternal partner.

So to all my crushes- both past and current and in the future- don't worry, like Rascal Flatts said, these experiences are merely nothern stars pointing me to the right person and one day I'll say God Bless the broken road that led me straight to you...

Thank you for being a part of my life and being either a blessing or a lesson to me- because I've become a better person from it. You're helping me become the great wife and mother I'm destined to be. 

Sincerely,  
Love, 
Maya