Song of the Day: Not a Bad Thing by, Justin Timberlake
I'm going to admit a long-time secret that not many people know about: I have a love-hate relationship with dances.
The "love" part: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE to dance! I love getting into the groove, feeling the bass, go all-out, and dance all my cares and worries away! I love getting down with my friends and do all those cheesy dance moves we see in the movies. I love getting all dolled up and doing inadvisable things with my dress. I just love dances!
The "hate" part (this is the secretive part): Most of these dances (specifically the formal ones where I have the excuse to get pretty and wear a formal dress) require a date. I have never been invited to a formal dance. I never had a date for Homecoming; I went with my group of girlfriends. And to all those times I went to Prom, I asked the guy out. I invited someone, but never the other way around.
So every time I hear about a dance I get giddy with excitement...
I get excited because I always have that sliver of hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, this time around....someone will see how awesome/crazy of a dancer I am and just ask me to be their dance partner for that evening.
....and then I dread ever having that thought cross my mind....
because in reality, it doesn't happen.
This hit me hard this week.
In my stake we have a "Second Chance Dance" where people can bring their dates and everyone can have a "fresh start" just after Valentine's Day. I was so excited because I really wanted to have an excuse to wear this beautiful, red dress my friend Bobbe lend to me and I wanted to dance the night away.
I honestly did not care that I had to ask someone. I just wanted a date so that I have a guaranteed dance partner and have a great time.
I asked person #1. Rejected me.
I asked person #2. Rejected me.
I then asked person #3, the one who I KNEW would never turn down a night dancing with me. Turned down my invite because he had a mission reunion that night...
I thought "okay, well I can go with my roommates and we can get pretty and then it'll totally be fine! We'll make it a roommate date!"
They each got asked to a dance by a guy by Monday (today).
That's when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was so frustrated!
Of course, I didn't want to start crying in front of my roommates because I didn't want them to feel bad for me.....
Unfortunately, I hold my heart on my sleeve and the cat was out of the bag before the day was through. (note to self: I really need to internalize my emotions better!)
All this time I hated everything. I hated how I can never seem to catch a break. I hated feeling so lonely. I even hated how these guys couldn't give me this one chance. But above all, I hated myself for being this way.
And you know what else? I started wishing I was still with David. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Gosh, Maya, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
But I knew why...
Because he was the only one that has ever invited me to a dance. It wasn't a formal dance, and I didn't dress pretty at all. But he treated me the way I've always dreamed of when I dreamt of finally getting asked to a dance.
He gave me a flower when he came to pick me up. He told me I was gorgeous in my black skirt and purple shirt. We took "prom style pictures." He pulled out all the stops because he knew I never got this treatment. He knew my dream was to feel like a princess and go to a "ball" (Yes this is a dream of mine. Yes I know it's naive and childish, cut me some slack.)
He danced with me the whole night through. He never left my side. We were that couple that did cheesy and goofy dance moves. And when the night was over, we went for a walk in the park under a full moon. The town was empty, but I wasn't worried because he was right by my side.
I felt like a true princess that night. It still stands as one of my fondest memories.
So the reason why I got upset today was because I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to relive that memory. And I felt like I was getting cheated on.
Is that too much to ask? Am I being selfish?
Well.....
yes.....
Because this is a test of patience for me.
Patience has been one of the hardest traits for me. Lately my impatience has been getting the better of me because I see people obtain blessings that I so badly want earlier than me.
I want to go on dates too.
I want to experience romantic relationships too.
I want to get married too.
And when Heavenly Father finally gave me that blessing in the form of David, I cherished every moment I had with him. Unfortunately, I was so happy that I didn't want to go back to the United States. I didn't want to go back to Provo. Back to eating by myself and walking alone and not seeing my married friends and being ignored by every guy in the ward. Once I had a taste of that blessing, I became ungrateful.
This is a test of patience for me.
I know Heavenly Father is not punishing me. He's allowing this hardship to work for the better of me.
He wants me to trust in Him. In His timing.
He wants me to have faith. Faith that everything is going to be all right.
He wants me to grow. Grow so that I can become closer to the potential that I possess inside of me right now.
He knows this is going to be hard for me. Jesus Christ felt all the bad feelings I have ever felt, and will feel in the future.
But He knows this will help me get stronger.
I have to keep reminding myself that I WILL receive all the blessings Heavenly Father has promised each and every one of us: including marriage. The reason I'm not receiving this at the same time as my friends is because I have a different path; a unique path that only I can take.
I have to keep persisting; actively working on being faithful and patient, because it is not a passive virtue. To be is to do something consistently, therefore to be patient is to do patient-ful things constantly.
And when I get upset/discouraged again, I'll read this:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng
All right....now that I've cried everything out and that I've vented out everything on this page, I'll work on my patience.
I can wait a little bit longer....
It's not going to get easier, but if I constantly work, I'll become stronger to rise to this occasion.
Because, after all, 30ish years of solitude is nothing compared to the eternal happiness I will receive in the end.
I can wait a little bit longer.....
Love,
Maya
The "love" part: I ABSOLUTELY LOVE to dance! I love getting into the groove, feeling the bass, go all-out, and dance all my cares and worries away! I love getting down with my friends and do all those cheesy dance moves we see in the movies. I love getting all dolled up and doing inadvisable things with my dress. I just love dances!
The "hate" part (this is the secretive part): Most of these dances (specifically the formal ones where I have the excuse to get pretty and wear a formal dress) require a date. I have never been invited to a formal dance. I never had a date for Homecoming; I went with my group of girlfriends. And to all those times I went to Prom, I asked the guy out. I invited someone, but never the other way around.
So every time I hear about a dance I get giddy with excitement...
I get excited because I always have that sliver of hope that maybe, JUST MAYBE, this time around....someone will see how awesome/crazy of a dancer I am and just ask me to be their dance partner for that evening.
....and then I dread ever having that thought cross my mind....
because in reality, it doesn't happen.
This hit me hard this week.
In my stake we have a "Second Chance Dance" where people can bring their dates and everyone can have a "fresh start" just after Valentine's Day. I was so excited because I really wanted to have an excuse to wear this beautiful, red dress my friend Bobbe lend to me and I wanted to dance the night away.
I honestly did not care that I had to ask someone. I just wanted a date so that I have a guaranteed dance partner and have a great time.
I asked person #1. Rejected me.
I asked person #2. Rejected me.
I then asked person #3, the one who I KNEW would never turn down a night dancing with me. Turned down my invite because he had a mission reunion that night...
I thought "okay, well I can go with my roommates and we can get pretty and then it'll totally be fine! We'll make it a roommate date!"
They each got asked to a dance by a guy by Monday (today).
That's when I couldn't hold it in anymore. I was so frustrated!
Of course, I didn't want to start crying in front of my roommates because I didn't want them to feel bad for me.....
Unfortunately, I hold my heart on my sleeve and the cat was out of the bag before the day was through. (note to self: I really need to internalize my emotions better!)
All this time I hated everything. I hated how I can never seem to catch a break. I hated feeling so lonely. I even hated how these guys couldn't give me this one chance. But above all, I hated myself for being this way.
And you know what else? I started wishing I was still with David. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
Gosh, Maya, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!
But I knew why...
Because he was the only one that has ever invited me to a dance. It wasn't a formal dance, and I didn't dress pretty at all. But he treated me the way I've always dreamed of when I dreamt of finally getting asked to a dance.
He gave me a flower when he came to pick me up. He told me I was gorgeous in my black skirt and purple shirt. We took "prom style pictures." He pulled out all the stops because he knew I never got this treatment. He knew my dream was to feel like a princess and go to a "ball" (Yes this is a dream of mine. Yes I know it's naive and childish, cut me some slack.)
He danced with me the whole night through. He never left my side. We were that couple that did cheesy and goofy dance moves. And when the night was over, we went for a walk in the park under a full moon. The town was empty, but I wasn't worried because he was right by my side.
I felt like a true princess that night. It still stands as one of my fondest memories.
So the reason why I got upset today was because I wanted to feel that again. I wanted to relive that memory. And I felt like I was getting cheated on.
Is that too much to ask? Am I being selfish?
Well.....
yes.....
Because this is a test of patience for me.
Patience has been one of the hardest traits for me. Lately my impatience has been getting the better of me because I see people obtain blessings that I so badly want earlier than me.
I want to go on dates too.
I want to experience romantic relationships too.
I want to get married too.
And when Heavenly Father finally gave me that blessing in the form of David, I cherished every moment I had with him. Unfortunately, I was so happy that I didn't want to go back to the United States. I didn't want to go back to Provo. Back to eating by myself and walking alone and not seeing my married friends and being ignored by every guy in the ward. Once I had a taste of that blessing, I became ungrateful.
This is a test of patience for me.
I know Heavenly Father is not punishing me. He's allowing this hardship to work for the better of me.
He wants me to trust in Him. In His timing.
He wants me to have faith. Faith that everything is going to be all right.
He wants me to grow. Grow so that I can become closer to the potential that I possess inside of me right now.
He knows this is going to be hard for me. Jesus Christ felt all the bad feelings I have ever felt, and will feel in the future.
But He knows this will help me get stronger.
I have to keep reminding myself that I WILL receive all the blessings Heavenly Father has promised each and every one of us: including marriage. The reason I'm not receiving this at the same time as my friends is because I have a different path; a unique path that only I can take.
I have to keep persisting; actively working on being faithful and patient, because it is not a passive virtue. To be is to do something consistently, therefore to be patient is to do patient-ful things constantly.
And when I get upset/discouraged again, I'll read this:
https://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/04/continue-in-patience?lang=eng
All right....now that I've cried everything out and that I've vented out everything on this page, I'll work on my patience.
I can wait a little bit longer....
It's not going to get easier, but if I constantly work, I'll become stronger to rise to this occasion.
Because, after all, 30ish years of solitude is nothing compared to the eternal happiness I will receive in the end.
I can wait a little bit longer.....
Love,
Maya
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